The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of tests, diagnosis and treatments. Working in the medical field and being someone that reads continually about all types of things, especially the ones effecting me, I was not planning on being surprised by my reactions to treatment of my breast cancer. I knew the terms, the side effects, when and what was going to happen, but somehow it did not prepare me one little bit. Perhaps it was the changing diagnosis, perhaps my sometimes too happy go lucky look at life, I guess I will never know. No matter the reason, I have found this is going to be a much harder journey than I thought.
The last several nights I wake every hour to hour and a half having a huge hot flash. My lips are continually tingling. I’m always nauseous and extremely tired. I really and truly feel terrible. Now my understanding is that these feelings are cumulative, meaning to me that it’s only going to get worse. I woke this morning feeling so mad, angry, kicking myself for thinking I was strong enough to handle this like every other tough thing that has come along in my life before this. I mean people all over the world are having the same thing done and I don’t hear a bunch of whining about it. So what’s my issue? I woke feeling bad and decided I had to force myself to act alive so I would start feeling alive again. I dressed, took the dog for a walk, (big yellow gloves on my hands since I’m not supposed to pick up dog feces now) and just forced myself to walk around the block with Voldie. Well we did it and nothing terrible happened. So then I straightened up the kitchen a little and sliced strawberries for the strawberry shortcake I was making for my son John’s birthday today. As you know it ended up being an extremely hot day and I called my son John to come over and put in my window unit AC. I can’t even think about how I’d manage to sleep if I was hot and feeling this crappy. So after getting that all taken care of we walked down to the lake and sat under a tree for a little while and I breathed in the fresh air. I was tired, but it felt like a real tired…not a foggy tired the way I’ve been feeling the last few days. It felt good to actually feel tired from doing something instead of from just breathing.
I had to admit a few things to myself today and that too was harder than I thought. I have to admit I’m afraid, I’m very afraid that I’m not going to come through this like I originally thought. I’m afraid I won’t ever be the same person I was before. I’m afraid this will kill me. I’m afraid to die. That is something I never thought I would feel and I think accepting it is just what I need to start my next steps forward. When I woke this morning I was thinking this was just the first thing. I still have seven more chemo treatments. I still have surgery. I still have radiation and even then I may still have more chemo. How in the world will I make it through this? I pouted, cried, kicked a few things on the floor and then I put one foot in front of the other and walked out the door into the world.
I have metastatic invasive ductal carcinoma, I have breast cancer. I’m going through chemotherapy treatment with surgery and radiation to follow. It is going to be a long year with many battles and I’m going to have to tighten my belt and hold up my head and keep moving forward. I no longer think I’m a rock that can take whatever is thrown at me. I think I understand that I am just a woman who is fighting for her life. I have so many people on my side, pulling for me and giving me all kinds of positive energy that I need so very much. I have the ability to get this done and see it through, but I have to accept that there is the possibility that I won’t and be okay with that as well. I’m working on my health and working to fight this thing back, but I’m also going to work on my inner self. I am going to allow myself the bad days and enjoy the good days. I don’t know where all this is leading and I can only just go through the motions while I find out. This is my journey and it’s not going to be like his or hers or theirs, it’s going to be mine and what comes, will come.
Tomorrow is a new day and more steps for me. I will take them as I can and accept when I can’t. At least that is where I am at this moment. I have a loving family and I am so very blessed to have had the life I have had thus far. I am humbled and perhaps that will be my path into the future.